Dog Separation Anxiety and Loneliness

If you’re worried about your dog’s need for company and have the space and energy, you could consider getting another pet as a companion. Two dogs will play with each other, chase each other around, and hang out together, greatly easing the loneliness of those long days when you are at work. Paired properly, even a cat can be a helpful distraction, although mixing species can complicate your life while you are trying to decide whether your Great Dane puppy would like a cat for its entertainment value or because cats are so darned tasty. (More about adding pets later.)

Even if you have extra pets and lots of toys, expect to spend quality time with your dog (or dogs) every day. Toys are no substitute for play with you, and other animals cannot socialize with your dog the way you do. Plan your day with time for a walk, a trip to the dog park, playing catch in the back yard, or training. Teach and encourage your children (or spouse, or roommates) to play with him too, so your dog has as many playmates as your household can afford. If you are training your dog, make sure that everyone who works with him agrees to work in the same fashion, using the same words for commands and the same treats for rewards. It’s great for everyone in the house to have a hand in training, but it should be consistent so your dog isn’t confused by conflicting styles or different words for the same commands. Training is one good way to make sure your dog has a challenging task to perform every day, and it gives you added incentive to find time for him every day as well. When the whole family takes part in training, it also reinforces the idea that your dog’s position in your “pack” is below that even of the children – a useful reminder that helps prevent bad-dog behavior with younger members of the household.

Dogs whose social needs haven’t been met may develop an extreme form of loneliness, called “separation anxiety”, that prevent them from being able to spend time alone without experiencing considerable anguish.. Puppies are at high risk for developing separation anxiety, since they need more interaction and attention than grown dogs, and dogs who have been neglected or abused often tend to have separation anxiety as well. (If your dog was abused before you got him, you may want to take problems directly to an excellent trainer or animal behaviorist. Abuse and neglect can impact some animals permanently, making them highly fearful and wary; impervious to training methods that work just fine with other animals.) Some dogs will develop separation anxiety even with reasonable amounts of attention, just because of who they are, or possibly from a combination of breed characteristics and perhaps poor breeding that creates offspring susceptible to mental illness. Dogs with separation anxiety hate to be alone: they typically start to become upset when their humans get ready to depart; bark constantly when left on their own; damage household items, and forget their house training. They will claw at doors or dig under fences, trying to get out. In extreme cases, they even resort to self-harm, chewing, biting or scratching compulsively until they are raw or bloody. (If your dog behaves in self-destructive ways, contact your vet.)

The best way to deal with separation anxiety is to prevent it in the first place. Once it has taken hold, it is difficult to help the animal to be content on his own, and it rarely improves without intervention: more extreme cases may even need medication.

Preventing Separation Anxiety When Leaving Your Dog Home Alone

Aside from providing playthings, fresh water and a sheltered place to lie down, you can prevent separation anxiety in your dog by treating separation as a normal part of life. If you make a big deal out of saying good-bye to your dog, you may be giving him the message that being alone is something dreadful, and setting up the expectation that he will suffer without you. You can normalize the way your dog sees separation by coming and going without hugs, kisses or formal good-byes. You can leave a much-loved toy or treat (something big that will take his attention for sometime) with your dog as you walk out the door, after collecting your keys and coat. If you do it every time you leave, your dog will come to look forward to your preparations for leaving as signals that soon he’ll get to have the toy or treat. The treat isn’t a bribe – it’s a distraction and a comfort, so don’t worry that you’re teaching your dog bad habits; you are just easing his pain a little. After all, your dog can’t really understand that you must go places without him, so what seems like the reasonable behavior of going to work or the store doesn’t make sense to a dog who sees you climbing into a car all alone when he could easily be riding in the back seat!!

Your homecoming also shouldn’t be a big deal. Don’t come through the door expecting a big hello (although that may be what you’re getting right now). Don’t hug and kiss your dog the minute you walk in, and don’t encourage him to bark wildly or jump up on you or others in the family when you come home. In fact, it’s better to put your things down and get settled before turning your attention to your dog. Wait for him to calm down before saying hello. By toning down the emotional impact of your return, you help your dog understand that your coming and going is a natural part of the day, not something to be especially anticipated or dreaded.

You can’t prevent separation anxiety by just taking your dog everywhere with you: in fact, taking the dog “everywhere” will probably make parting even more stressful when the time comes to leave him at home. Dogs who expect to accompany their people everywhere have an especially difficult time once they are left alone, because they’ve never learned to deal with being by themselves. From the start, it’s important to teach your dog that there will be times where he will be expected to amuse himself. Even if you have the opportunity to keep your dog in the same room with you all the time, set aside certain times of the day where he spends some time alone, either in the yard or in his crate, playing alone with a toy or sleeping. By demonstrating your confidence that your dog can be comfortable without you, you teach your dog that his is capable of spending time alone, and that being on his own is a healthy and natural part of life.

If your dog seems predisposed to being lonely, you may try turning the television or radio on before leaving your pet alone: some animals find the sounds comforting. There are special tapes made for animals (you can find them on the Internet), or you may make a tape yourself of your own voice or the sounds of your family. Some dogs don’t notice extra noise at all, some find it annoying, and others prefer it to silence: you need to watch your dog in order to know what will work for him.

Your dog or puppy may also find some comfort in things that have your scent on them. You may try placing one of your worn-but-not-washed T-shirts in his bed. In the way that small children become attached to favorite blankets or dolls, your dog may have favorite toys or blankets that smell like home to him. These “transitional objects” provide a feeling of comfort and security associated with the actual “object”, which is you. Although children outgrow the need for blankets and teddy bears, dogs often don’t. It’s one of the examples of ways that dogs are like people in some ways and unlike us in others!

If your dog already has full-blown separation anxiety, you can try making changes in the way you say good-bye and hello. You may also consider where you are leaving your dog when you go away. Is it possible that seeing you leave is more upsetting than it would be if you left by another door, where your dog can’t watch you go? Or that not seeing you leave, but hearing the car start up is more worrisome than watching you walk down the path and get into the car?

There’s no hard and fast rule about what upsets a dog – like people, dogs have individual likes and dislikes, fears and personal histories that influence the way they see the world. If your dog barks all the time while you’re away (your neighbors will certainly have mentioned it), tears the house apart, or seems maniacally delighted and relieved to see you , start by thinking about things you may change in your dog’s alone time that might help control his fear. If he can’t look out a window, maybe doing so will help distract him, or give him a feeling of added security because he knows what’s going on. If he already can see out, maybe he finds strangers or passing cars to be threatening, and would be better off placed in an interior room. Make sure he can go to his crate or bed when you leave, and that he has a favorite toy or treat to accompany him. You always want to leave the dog with the treat, instead of giving it to him when you get home. Otherwise, you are teaching him to anticipate your return (and dread your leaving) more than ever.

Dogs feel comforted by routine, and you may create a leaving routine that is predictable and soothing. You may get your things together and place them by the door before you go, turn on the radio, give your dog his treat by putting him in his bed with it, then pick up your things and go. Or, if you have typically had long and dramatic good-byes, you may try just walking out without saying anything to your dog. For some dogs, this is the best way to handle departures, and eventually the animal gets used to the idea that you will come and go without anything special happening to mark the occasion.

If your dog becomes visibly upset when you leave, you may need to actually practice leaving the house and returning in a planned way for a couple of days in a row. Leave the house for just a few minutes, and when you return, take note of your dog’s reaction. Is he excited, jumping, barking, racing around? If so, wait until he calms down before greeting him. Put your things away, do a small chore, or just move into another room and wait. Once your dog has calmed down, say a couple of words to him and pat him, but just a little. The idea is that you are ignoring his excitable behavior and rewarding his calm behavior. Next, leave again (using the same ritual you usually do, gathering your purse or coat, turning off lights, locking doors, etc.) Stay gone a bit longer –ten or fifteen minutes this time, then return. Again, ignore his excitement until he calms down, then give him a laid-back greeting: a few pats and a couple of friendly words. Go about your business for a little while, then leave again, staying gone this time for maybe a half-hour. When you come home and leave several times, staying gone a little longer each time, you are doing a couple of things helpful to your dog. First, you are desensitizing him to your leaving the house repeatedly, and getting him used to spending varying and longer amounts of time on his own. You are also teaching him new behavior by rewarding him for being calm on your return. The idea is that your dog will eventually understand that the world doesn’t come to an end when you leave the house. Breaking your dog’s pattern of overreacting when you leave the house will help him replace his upset feelings with something less dramatic and more manageable. If you reward him for being calm and quiet, he will tend to remain so. If you react to his overreacting (by trying to comfort him, by yelling, or by giving him treats), you are unwittingly reinforcing the behavior you don’t want by rewarding him for barking, jumping and acting crazy.

If you spend the day working with your dog’s separation anxiety, take a little time between trips out of the house to also spend some quality time with him. Play with him for ten or fifteen minutes, then do your own thing and let him do his. After awhile, leave the house again. If you devote a weekend to teaching your dog that it’s no big deal for you to leave and come back again, you may find his anxiety markedly lessening. And if you have a family, don’t be the only one to take part in the training –involve everyone, teaching all members of the family the best ways to leave and return to your dog.

If nothing works and your dog is still upset when you go, you may decide to hire a reputable trainer or animal behaviorist to see if there’s some other way to solve the problem. In cases where dogs seem to lose all control in their fear, veterinarians may recommend medication.

There are a few places in this book where I mention hiring a trainer. If you’re not sure how to go about it, there are a couple of guidelines that will help you feel comfortable in making a choice. Credentials are one way to make sure someone has the training they say they have, but degrees and certificates don’t necessarily mean the trainer will be effective or even kind to your pet. Some trainers get results by hurting the animals placed in their care: some self-styled trainers are too “kind” and aren’t effective. A trainer should be able to establish firm, authoritative communication with your dog without resorting to leashes or equipment that cause pain or fear. When you’re looking for a trainer, feel free to ask how they get results, what tools they use and how the tools work, and their general philosophy about training. If you aren’t comfortable with a trainer's methods, demeanor or attitude, look for someone else.

If your dog is out-of-control, if you are afraid of him, think twice about whether you feel uncomfortable with a particular trainer because that person seems too firm. Some people are hesitant to correct their dogs, and dogs (being pack animals) will take advantage if appropriate demands aren’t placed on them. If you have the sneaking suspicion that you have boundary issues and haven’t created consistent boundaries with your dog, a trainer who works well with your dog may seem very strict to you. Again, you don’t want someone who’s going to hurt the animal, but you also don’t want an animal who feels free to hurt you! When people fail their dogs by not setting adequate boundaries, they often wind up with dogs who have to be put down because they bite.